Starting Over

It's senior year and right now I think I need a pep talk about life...

With college apps ready to be submitted and scholarships waiting to be turned in, I feel so discouraged. Why  you may ask? Because of all the damn expectations. People expect me to go to the best university possible with a full-tuition scholarship but I am so tired. I am starting to give up on my own future.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what I really want. Yes, I want to become a nurse. Yes, I want to travel to broaden the vast expanse of my mind, maximizing its capacity. These notions, however, pose many questions: How can I fulfill such seemingly simple yet burdensome desires? How should I proceed? What do I really want? What is right and wrong? How can I be happy?

With college just around the corner I learned that I must decide the first step towards my new life. This new chapter has to be brainstormed and proofread many, many, many times. Plans change. I change. Life is my neverending writer's block. College is just four years of my life. Four years could create a magnificent story... I just have to write it. This novel shall be a unforgettable story of intrinsic and extrinsic enlightenment. I want this story to be mine but at the same time I want to define myself.

I want to learn how to open my heart to a man. I want to hold the hand of a child in need. I want to get stuck in a tree. I want to try every dish. I want to find new hobbies. I want to go to the best concerts and rediscover my love for music. I want to read books from every culture. I want to learn more languages. I want to sing and dance. I want to sleep peacefully. I want to live without the regrets.

I wish I could erase those regrets but sometimes I am proud that I have them. They made me stronger than ever. The choices I have made and the choices that were forced upon me made me who I am today. It made me open minded but it ultimately made me heartless. No matter how much I want to love someone-a friend, a family member, a lover-I cannot truly embrace them with my body and soul. I guess in the end of seventeen years filled with regret I abandoned myself. I abandoned the person who was rather optimistic in life, who loved to discover new music everyday, who loved to sing and dance without the fear of judgement, who smiled everyday, who laughed, who loved wholeheartedly, who is not just a hallow shell. I want to learn how to love myself and these regrets. Soon I will have to pay the piper and stop the crocodile tears.

Haha I am stupid and ignorant aren't I? Oh well.